Taking the Cynic Route

Where Raunchy Wit and Nostalgia meet Bootleg Intellect.

About the show

Three average Joes from Baltimore, MD sharing humorous stories and opinions with a flare for the crude, low brow, and sometimes even dark. By reflecting on their own personal histories, pop culture potluck, conspiracy theories and other wacky topics, these guys will make you laugh and maybe even think. But mostly laugh.

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Episodes

  • Episode 43: BREAKING NEWS: Cuomo F*CK$!

    June 18th, 2020  |  3 hrs 42 mins
    2112, abraham lincoln, brian posehn, cheech and chong, chris cuomo, cnn, conor mcgregor, coronavirus, covid-19, donald trump, driving hand signals, fauci, george floyd, gettysburg, great lakes brewery, jane miller, jfk, jimmy buffett, john lennon, kevin costner, kobe bryant, neil peart, omar vasquez, porter, proper 12, rush, sally thorner, salt n pepa, sarah silverman, sophomore slump, squirting, terry owens, twitter, up in smoke, wbal, white privilege, wuhan lab, yoko ono

    The world is falling apart and we are watching with a Great Lakes Porter in one hand and our pud in the other. Guinea Juan is live in studio once again and brings the heat. We cover all of society's problems, solve them, and then tell dick jokes for three hours. Just another day in the office.
    We tackle hard hitting issues like racism, white privilege, squirting, hand signals for driving...all of the important stuff. Honestly, at this point we should be categorized as a self help podcast. Do yourself a favor and listen now, before they ASSUME CONTROL. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SHARE, SUBSCRIBE.

  • Episode 42: The Choad, the Chore, and the Chi-Chi-Chi-Chief-a

    June 1st, 2020  |  3 hrs 17 mins
    allman brothers, american amber ale, barack obama, bell's brewery, billy joel, black crowes, chia pet, chris cornell, conor mcgregor, dave grohl, eggs, elton john, eric clapton, hillary clinton, hypnotize, jesus christ, joe biden, john lennon, julian lennon, le'veon bell, monica lewinsky, neil young, notorious big, pearl jam, proper 12, ram 1500, sean lennon, september 11th, sopranos, soundgarden, term limits, underoos, yoko ono, zeitgeist

    The Guinea's back in TOWN! Jeff and Beer Can Billy welcome back John, in person, at the octagon. Bringin' the RUCKUS to that ASS. We cover all of life's nuance from buying a new vehicle, to near death experiences, to the best concerts we ever attended. BCB brought his bag of hate, Jeff puts on the tin foil hat for 9/11 talk, and Guinea Juan sings about his choad. We get a little poo-litical with Joe Biden's Breakfast Club gaff and discuss waiting in between "nuts". Hours of nonsense to get you through your grind and make you question how you're spending your time. Ya better put on a clean pair of Underoos. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE!

  • Episode 41: What Would You Do-oo-oo for a Klondike Bar...in the Butt?

    May 19th, 2020  |  3 hrs 41 mins
    ahmad arbury, alex jones, baltimore ravens, boulevard brewing, coronavirus, covid-19, ed mcmahon, foo fighters, guns n roses, joe biden, joe exotic, john stewart, kim jong un, larry hogan, led zeppelin, legal weed, liam gallagher, michael imperioli, michelle obama, million dollar man, murder hornets, noel gallagher, nursing homes, oasis, paul mccartney, pink floyd, plaid habit, raise some cain, seth meyers, stephen colbert, sue simmons, tara reid, ted, ted dibiase, the beatles, the daily show, the sopranos, the who, tiger king, wally world, washington d.c., ween

    The gang is back for another raucous round of bull slingin' banter. Beer Can Billy throws caution to the wind and jumps back in the octagon while Guinea Juan joins us online. Bruce's whereabouts are still unknown for those keeping score at home.
    We discuss our new daily routines and lifting the lockdown here in Maryland. Some strong opinions of Larry "The Hog" Hogan are shared in between Soprano's quotes and Pro Wrestling memories. Some interesting Youtube videos ask the hard hitting questions like, "Does Michelle Obama have a Dong?" and "Is Sue Simmons gonna have to Slap a Bitch?"
    We talk about family histories, ancestors, and weird Uncles in the basement. There's too many topics to go on about and too much legal weed to remember them all. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SHARE, SUBSCRIBE.

  • Episode 40: A Guinea in the Garage is Worth Two Jackin' Off in the Bush

    April 30th, 2020  |  2 hrs 58 mins
    baltimore, baseball, bill o'reilly, coronavirus, covid-19, fake news, heather mills, hot open mic, italian food, jim norton, kavanaugh, kyle larson, media, miscarriage, nirvana, opie and anthony, orioles, papa roach, paul mccartney, politics, pro wrestling, protests, puddle of mudd, ravens, serial masturbater, shinedown, sopranos, susan collins, tony soprano, uncle junior, white house

    Another quarantined episode in the book. Sad to see a milestone like number 40 being done streamed with one guy at the octagon, one guy fumbling with his mic from his basement 5 miles away, and one guy from his garage/cavern 3,000 miles away. But we made it work. In fact, we made up for the garbage sound quality with the quality of our content. Just kidding. No intro, just three hours of the route that is cynic. We gots deadlines to keeps. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SHARE, SUBSCRIBE.

  • Episode 39: Driving Miss Handy: A Quarantine Extravaganza

    April 23rd, 2020  |  4 hrs 5 mins
    abbey road, ac/dc, airlines, appetite for destruction, baltimore, beer, bon scott, boston, brian johnson, bruce springsteen, conspiracies, coors light, coronavirus, covid-19, david lee roth, def leppard, divorce, drinking, foo fighters, green day, guns-n-roses, hairy nipples, howard stern, jameson, kiss, kurt cobain, lesbians, marriage, motley crue, nirvana, orioles, pandemic, parasite, pearl jam, pink floyd, pranks, quarantine, queen, quiet riot, ravens, record albums, rolling stones, sex talk, ten, the beatles, the wall, travel, van halen, whiskey, zoom

    The only thing the world needed more than a global pandemic was a four hour long episode of this hot garbage. But here it is, for your ear's delight. Jeff mans the octagon while Beer Can Billy and Guinea John connect via the internets. We go deep into the history of both the Guinea and BCB, where no stone is left unturned. We reminisce about old Howard Stern episodes, our past musical performances, and some classic sports memories. BCB gives us a quaran-tour of his basement and record collection. We talk COVID-19 conspiracies, our hairiest past sexual experiences, and we crap all over Bruce since he was the one who didn't show up this time. Sprinkle in a "Driving Miss Daisy" style handy and some casual racism and I think we have ourselves a show. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE.

  • Episode 38: Charlies Sheen's Coronavirus Covered Crisco Can

    March 25th, 2020  |  2 hrs 32 mins
    andy harris, beer review, bernie goetz, billy squire, boyd tinsley, charlie sheen, chyna, corey feldman, corey haim, crisco, dave matthews band, donald trump, founders, frank sinatra, impractical jokers, joe biden, john lithgow, kbs, mayo a. shattuck iii, mia farrow, mike gordon, molly shattuck, norm macdonald, opie and anthony, pamela anderson, pat monahan, phish, pro-wrestling, robert loggia, roger ailes, ronan farrow, sable, the view, train, vince mcmahon, wcw, woody allen, wwe, xfl

    Hellooo fellow degenerates. The Trio welcomes back the brilliant, the hilarious, the deranged Scotty Monahan. After reviewing a new beer we go straight into the poo-litical talk where Scotty drops some knowledge. The coronavirus is taking over the world but that isn't stopping Beer Can Billy from getting his drink on or Bruce from defending Woody Allen to the bitter end. We discuss Pro-wrestling, Opie and Anthony, and that Raven's cheerleader who banged her son's friend. Corey Feldman's latest craziness creeps into the conversation along with Sleepy Joe Biden, Scott's famous Uncle Pat, and Billy Squire dancing like Guinea John at home alone on a Friday night. So many topics, so few characters allowed for description. Stay safe, keep your distance and never accept a scratch off from Beer Can Billy. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE!

  • Episode 37: Polack Johnny Created the Coronavirus in the Back of a Spencer's Gifts

    March 9th, 2020  |  2 hrs 15 mins
    anquan boldin, artie lange, atlantic star, bad break-ups, baltimore, baltimore ravens, beer review, berry gordy, catherine pugh, coronavirus, derrick mason, dolemite, ed reed, eddie murphy, first jobs, founders, goo goo dolls, grandma, lou ferrigno, mark normand, martin scorsese, masturbation, mayor, meet and greet, mike tyson, pranks, robert deniro, scratch offs, secret lovers, spencer's gifts, the irishman, trailer parks

    The new trio welcomes Polack Johnny for some tales of the tail. We share fond(led) memories of Grandma's trailer. Beer Can Billy brings up some more past hijinks and heads our first live beer review. We discuss former Baltimore mayor and cartoon turtle, Catherine Pugh, Atlantic Star's "smash" hit "Secret Lovers," and still the baddest mofo on the planet, Mike Tyson. We reminisce about our first jobs, our first sexual experiences, and garbage celebrity "meet & greets." This one gets off the rails fast so climb aboard the train of terror. Listen now, before the Coronavirus takes your hearing. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE!

  • Episode 36: Harvey Weinstein Didn't Kill Himself...Yet

    February 25th, 2020  |  2 hrs 14 mins
    baltimore, baltimore ravens, beer can billy, coronavirus, cottonelle, daytona 500, donald trump, genitals, halftime show, hardees, harvey weinstein, j-lo, jeffrey epstein, joe piscopo, pranks, shakira, sign language, super bowl, westboro baptist church, yelp!

    Heeeeeere's Billy. Beer Can Billy to be exact. We trade one guinea for another. After a long hiatus the gang is back with more nonsense than ever. The Beer Can tells about past pranks and recent vacations. He have a new Cottonelle Nad-vertisement to dissect, Harvey Weinstein's genitals are nowhere to be found, and Epstein still didn't kill himself. Donald Trump does a lap at Daytona, Bruce reads Yelp! reviews of the Westboro Baptist Church, and Joe Piscopo has always sucked. You get what you pay for here at the Cynic Route. Listen Up, Mutha F*@Ker$! SHARE IT LIKE IT'S THE CORONAVIRUS!

  • Episode 35: The Guinea John Special Ed-ition

    September 25th, 2019  |  2 hrs 14 mins
    airports, bad joke telling, bad jokes, bombshell, breaking news, deepfake videos, drinking, gun control, help!, hot cousins, inappropriate laugh tracks, italy, jeffrey epstein, john lennon, lebron james, mark david chapman, mass shootings, sam kinison, schindler's list, sicily, taxi driver, the beatles, the catcher in the rye, the decision, titty man, traveling, washington, yesterday

    A very special episode of TTCR as we welcome back Guinea Juan after a brief sojourn overseas. The man himself steals the show with endless rants about airports and traveling, The Catcher in the Rye and Taxi Driver (again), sexy cousins and another visit from the ghost of Sam Kinison -- not to mention a major league, game-changing bombshell. So strap yourself in for some inappropriate laughs and some inappropriate touches, right here on Episode 35 of TAKING THE CYNIC ROUTE.

  • Episode 34: Beer Can Billy goes to Warshington

    September 12th, 2019  |  2 hrs 14 mins
    9/11, adderall, auto train, baltimore, baltimore orioles, billy joel, camden yards, chris davis, donald trump, fantasy football, fhritp, fletch, flight 93, genesis, illegal alien, jerry sandusky, jim abbott, massage parlor, once upon a time in hollywood, penn state, pennsylvania turnpike, phil collins, porn stars, precious, quentin tarantino, ravens, redner's chicken, robert kraft, shanksville, shaquille o'neal, the fan, the world of coca cola, trey mancini, tweet, yucko the clown

    Don't call it a comeback! It's been too long. Beer Can Billy joined the trio for this one a few weeks back and pushed the boundaries of offense. We reminisce about our summer happenings. BCB saw Billy Joel at Camden Yards, drove on the PA turnpike, took a ride on the Auto Train, and visited both the Flight 93 museum and the infamous Robert Kraft Rub-N-Tug parlor. Guinea John made several trips across the globe. From Hawaii to Italy, from Baltimore to Washington, the travelin' Sicilian has added some miles. We discuss Genesis' "Illegal Alien" and its awful video, watch a compilation of a guy insulting wannabe porn stars, and read another fan email. Obscenities, stereotypes and chauvinism...par for the course when you take the route that is cynic. DOWNLOAD, SUBSCRIBE, LIKE, SHARE! It's cooler than the other side of the My Pillow.

  • Episode 33: Ernest Goes to Area 51; A Coen Brothers Film

    July 18th, 2019  |  2 hrs 53 secs
    abe vigoda, alabama, aliens, area 51, barney miller, bob lazar, bobcat goldthwait, coen brothers, conspiracy, dabney coleman, dobie gillis, don rickles, donald trump, ernest, fat hungry bitch, gallagher, game shows, gators, highest grossing films, hunter biden, jim varney, joe biden, joe rogan, josh brolin, jre podcast, meth, mr. ed, o.j. simpson, push-up contest, raid, rip torn, sean connery, toy story 4, vanna white

    Hey, Vern! Grab some Eggs Erroneous and listen to episode 33 of TTCR. Our good friend and master of random useless knowledge, Scott drops by the studio. A whole lotta movie talk in this one. We skim over the filmographies of cinema legends like Jim Varney, Dabney Coleman and Rip Torn. We discover every job Sean Connery has ever had revolved around getting laid. We also discover the Coen brothers are really good at making movies. Our new segment "Conspiracy Killers" kicks off with a discussion of the coming "raid" on Area 51 and the massacre to follow. There's movies, pop culture, politics...so much to unpack, you might as well just listen. Lap dances at Lawrence of A-Labia's are half off if you're wearing your "Taking the Cynic Route" gear. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE.

  • Episode 32: Deep Impact: The Secret Morgan Freeman Sex Scene

    July 1st, 2019  |  2 hrs 11 mins
    2020 presidential election, 9/11, alive, avengers, banana splits, car buying, college, conspiracy, corolla, deep impact, dennis quaid, donald trump, donkey punch, dwayne johnson, endgame, godzilla, jake gyllenhaal, joe biden, joe pesci, morgan freeman, o.j. simpson, political correctness, poseidon adventure, san andreas, the day after tomorrow, the godfather, the impossible, the perfect storm, tony danza, toyota, tulsi gabbard, united 93, urban dictionary, volcano, war games, world trade center

    The Juice is loose this Summer on Episode 32 of TTCR. The trio chats up current events, locally and globally. Guinea John shares his recent agony of buying a new car. We check out O.J. Simpson's new Twitter account. The conversation turns a little poo-litical before we push our new merch page, as well as the limits of racially sensitive material. We look up some random Urban Dictionary terms, talk favorite natural disaster movies and, as always, end up talking about 9/11 and the CIA's involvement in social engineering. At the end of the day we're gonna get wiped off the earth by a mega-volcano shooting out tornadoes, so it doesn't matter anyway. Business as usual around the octagon. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE IT LIKE THE PLAGUE.

  • Episode 31: Ayn Rand is the Fountainhead of Impotence

    June 13th, 2019  |  2 hrs 7 mins
    arnold schwarzenegger, ayn rand, bad plane ride, bruce willis, canada, christopher hitchens, dick simmons, elton john, family guy, fan mail, immigration, italian, john stamos, john travolta, john waters, john wick, kate upton, law & order, left wing, lyle alzado, martin shkreli, mike tyson, netflix, political parties, pulp fiction, richard linklater, right wing, rocketman, roots, sam kinison, the fountainhead, toronto blue jays, tupac, turbulence, wak 100, walk hard, walk the line, word origins, zack snyder

    We got a dirty one for thirty one! The trio tackles all the juicy topics of early Summer '19. Guinea John kicks it off with an Italian cantata for the ages. We get politi-cooh while talking about the origins of the left and right wings. Guinea John defends Ayn Rand to the bitter end. A Canadian weekend away, John Waters on acid and a new piece of fan mail all make up the madness that is TTCR Episode 31. John Stamos eats yogurt, Kate Upton eats a burger, and Lyle Alzado eats steroids. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, AND SPREAD IT LIKE HERPES. www.takingthecynicroute.com

  • Episode 30: "Polack" Johnny and the Tale of the Devil's Onion Ring

    May 26th, 2019  |  2 hrs 5 mins
    90's commercial, alphas, amy schumer, andrea yates, avengers, baltimore, batman, beta, billy jack, bloomin' onion, bohemian rhapsody, boston bomber, boxing, casino, catherine pugh, christopher walken, clitoris, comedy, commercials, cults, diarrhea, dildo pranks, endgame, gillette, godfather, grateful dead, heaven's gate, hemorrhoids, john steinbeck, john waters, mcdonald's, mma, orioles, queen movie, road house, sam kinison, skittles, ted bundy, up in smoke, vaccines, vhs, vince vaughn, vomiting, zac efron

    TTCR hits another milestone as episode 30 comes out swinging. We are talking haymakers left and right. Polack Johnny is back in the saddle as the boys dish about everything from deep throating soft serve to hackin' off a hemy while spread wide like a bloomin' onion. If you've ever eaten finger blasters while at the pee trough, episode 30 is the one for you! DOWNLOAD IT TODAY. LISTEN TO IT WHENEVER.

  • Episode 29: Beer Can Billy is Gaye for Fried Chicken

    May 19th, 2019  |  2 hrs 7 mins
    amy schumer, avengers, baseball, bernie sanders, budd dwyer, catherine pugh, childhood, chris farley, dr.dre, eastpoint mall, endgame, faces of death, fried chicken, jfk, joe biden, john lennon, marisa tomei, marvin gaye, memories, michael jackson, millennials, ms. piggy, pulp fiction, reginald denny, sam kinison, steve mcnair, tiger woods, traces of death, tropic thunder, whitney houston, youth baseball

    It's been too long! Episode 29 of TTCR coming at ya with a vengeance. Special guest "Beer Can" Billy shares some quality stories. From accidental childhood racism to jerking off while driving, we cover all angles. We surprise Guinea John with Chris Farley's death photo and reminisce about "Faces of Death." So many random topics and sound effects, there's too much to list. Grab a snack, sit back, and listen to those sweet, sweet Baltimore accents. DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SHARE, SUBSCRIBE.

  • Episode 28: I'll take 'Things You Would Defecate On' for a $1000, Alex.

    April 29th, 2019  |  1 hr 48 mins
    baseball, bill hicks, brave new world, busta rhymes, dallas buyers club, economy, family guy, fart, korean pop, mark paul gosselaar, matthew mcconaughey, middle east, missy elliot, morgan freeman, my buddy, oozinator, orioles, peter dinklage, peter griffin, queefing, rothschild, sam kinison, saved by the bell, scuttled, seven deadly sins, shel silverstein, snl, spring, super soaker, ten commandments

    Spring has sprung like Guinea John out of his seat when the drugs show up. Episode 28 starts off with some O's baseball talk and quickly enters the realm of farts and queefs. We dissect some more CUMmercials and pretend to know things about religion. The ghost of Sam Kinison makes his frequent appearance, we contemplate things we would crap on for $1k, and determine no one truly knows anything about the afterlife. "Thou shalt not thrust thy Oozinator toward thy neighbor." DOWNLOAD, LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE! Check out our PATREON page for more patron only content.